Insecure Writers Support Group -- The Language Fear

Dear Insecure Writers,

I like to think I do something extraordinary. I'm writing a novel. It's not a fancy one, with Deep Ideas about Human Nature. Not that there's anything wrong with literary fiction. At all. But I'm not sure I have that fibre in me. I leave it to others, with a better understanding of what makes us human. And while sometimes I'm afraid of people judging me for writing commercial fiction, it's not my biggest fear.

No. I'm afraid they will judge me for writing in English. Quebec's fight for French preservation is old and never-ending. I am proud of my language, of its lyrical sound, of its peculiarities and culture and warmth. I love it. But often, so often, I feel like I'm betraying it. So many words on a page, in English, trampling on a heritage I ought to defend. 

You have to wonder if I'm a hypocrite. I fight for French's correct usage, I preach its presence at work even in English-dominated domains (hello, science), and I believe in immigrants learning it, along with English. French is an integral part of what Quebec is.

Yet when it comes to writing, an art so deeply tied to language, I write my stories in English.

When asked why, I don't know what to answer. Sorry. That's how the story spills. 

But I know I will be judged and critiqued for it. And I'm afraid, so afraid, it will come from my family and friends. That they'll be impressed that I can, disappointed that I did. 

I'm starting to go public with my writing life. Every step – every new person I tell – is terrifying.

I can't express how good it is to have you at my back. You're welcoming, reassuring, energetic, helpful, everything! Thank you for being here. 

***

P.S.: This is part of Alex J. Cauvanaugh's Insecure Writers Support Group, every first Wednesday of the month. Your writing community is a great support for your fears, insecurities, problems. Don't be afraid to call on them, or to help your fellow writers. There are amazing people out there.

P.P.S.: I forgot to mention yesterday that you can vote for the pieces of flash fictions? I'm #214 on the list, if you wanted to go that way. :)

V - Vocabulary

(Fun fact: V day is also my Virology exam day. Wish me luck!)

Every writer knows the importance of choosing the right word. We're required to express ourselves clearly and concisely. Talking loudly is yelling. Hitting furiously is smashing. The right word will lighten your text and ease any reader’s experience. It will give your sentences punch and create vivid images. The right word is a writer's best friend.

What if you don't know enough words? How does a writer pick the right word if he doesn't know it exists?

This is one of my biggest problems. In day-to-day writing such as this blog, I get along just fine. I'm almost undistinguishable from a native English speaker (of course if I did vlogs it'd be another story. You guys could poke fun at my accent).

Novels require more, however, and to me this seems even truer with fantasy and science-fiction. Sound too much like a modern-day speaker and you'll lose the feeling of a different world. This little step above the norm may not seem like much, but it becomes a real challenge for me.

I know the meaning to a lot of words. No problems when I read. When I write, however, those words aren't the ones that come to my mind. I'll use the same adjectives, verbs and clothes names over and over in a first draft (the truth is that my clothing and food vocabulary is horrible. No kidding, it’s hilarious how often I have to look up basic clothing names!).

Learning new vocabulary means using it over and over, until it becomes natural. Not an easy task.

I must love challenges, because I never paused to think about this. I noticed it as I began reading again, and noticed the difference. It’s a good thing I have revisions and thesaurus. The second one is a great friend, if you know enough to avoid the wrong-synonym pitfall.

And I’m sure, deep down, that this problem isn’t limited to me. Perhaps it’s more frequent. I’d bet there are a lot of writers out there who get annoyed or stumped because this famous right word is escaping them, slipping through their fingers.

So, I say, no good reasons not to improve my vocabulary.  After all, who wouldn't want to learn new words? Words are fun!

R - Reaching Out

If you've been around for a while, you know English isn't my first language. French is. I love French. It is beautiful, lyrical, impassionate. I become quite rant-y when it comes to defending it (which is, for the record, a big issue in Quebec).

Why, then, do I write in English? 

Perhaps the hardest question I've ever been asked. It comes from strangers. It comes from friends. It comes from my mom, and that is perhaps the hardest to deal with.

After years of fumbling about, trying to come to terms with it, I think I have an answer. It is a simple one. All I needed was to look at why I write.

I write to reach out. I hope these novels, these characters, will one day touch someone's heart. That there'll be a reader emerging from my story with the feeling they're a little more human now, a little different.

If I hope to reach out one day, to as many as I can, I need English. I'm good with it. It's a wonderful and powerful tool to have. I'm not going to ditch it.

French is what I am. It defines me in more ways than I dare count. English is what I use. It might be a fine line, but to me it is an important one.

The Colours of Language

I like to think words have personalities. They're more than a bunch of letters stuck together. They mean something, and behind that meaning there is a connotation. The same is true for sentences and paragraphs. The way we put them together has a certain vibe to it, a personality. It's that little thing we call voice.

But beyond that, on an even deeper level than words and sentences, I believe every language has a personality. When you speak it, you can see it from the expressions, from the vocabulary, from the sentence structures... but even if you can't understand a word of it, the language vehiculates a special vibe.

Compare italian and german for a moment. One is lyrical, full of vowels and intonations. The other is harder, straightforward, with a lot of sharp sounds.*

The language you write in brings a particular colour to the story you are telling. This is why translations can never best the original. You cannot capture one language's soul with another. You can try, and translators do an incredible job at it sometimes, but it will never have the original text's flow. It cannot.

I believe that is a beautiful thing. It does, however, raise a question: what language should I write my stories in?

I am fluent enough in English that I believe I can write a publishable novel in it. But is this wise? Would some of these stories be better served by French? Can I afford to play both markets? (probably not)

Most of the time I do not even ask myself such questions. The story came to me in English, right? That's enough to make the decision. Edingher, however... for some reason, Edingher was created alternating between French and English, and I wonder if French would not fit it better. I decided to focus on the other novel until I'd reached my decision, but there's something deeply disturbing to wondering if you're in the right language at all. It feels as though I did not know my story at all, and it does not sit well with me.

This is something I have been struggling with for three years now. I'm not sure it will ever go away.

*For the record, I love both german and italian.